One of the things I’m learning and really getting steeped in lately is awareness, mostly awareness of how own my mind, emotions and body work.
There are all these things about myself that I know, intellectually. Awareness is when the knowing moves from my head to my whole being. Awareness is when I stop getting surprised when these knowings resurface after specific incidents and instead, I see them as they are happening.
Today’s deepening awareness is around how I behave when I’m overtired. My tiredness has been building. Like a small child who resists bedtime, I’ve been letting myself get behind on sleep lately. Then yesterday I had a flare-up of my acid reflux and lost even more sleep.
Today, my emotional responses are exaggerated and less controllable. I heard about a friend’s grandson being taken to the hospital for a fever and my eyes welled up with tears. My sister called to tell me she has to put the family dog down later today and I sobbed. On any other day these things would make me sad, but they wouldn’t reach into my heart and wrench it like they have today.
The awareness is in knowing that later today, at sometime when I least expect it, when I’m feeling less emotional, I’ll want to eat. I won’t immediately realize why, but I’ll feel a strong pull and urge to eat. I won’t want the salad I brought for lunch, nor the tin of tuna salad I keep in my desk drawer for a safe snack, instead I’ll want a donut, or a bagel or a granola bar.
I’ll want something sweet and soft and comforting to soothe my heart and calm my emotions.
The idea of eating something like that will sound reasonable and acceptable. There will be some rationalization that I won’t realize is a rationalization. I’ve done this a million times before and not figured out what happened until afterward.
Awareness is seeing it coming and consciously keeping the awareness with me so that when the wanting to eat comes later, I’ll know what it is and instead of reacting, I’ll be able to make a decision.
Find Your Own Weigh 